Saturday, 6 December 2014


Last Friday I had an operation to fit coils in my lungs to stop a significant bleed. I won't shock you with pictures of the blood I coughed up because it looks slightly horrific and the Hollywood film industry decided a long time ago that any character who coughed up the smallest amount of blood would be dead by the end of the film so now everyone panics. They fitted 4 coils in the end and blocked off a portion of my lung, which is now very painful as the bit of lung is dying away. It's a particularly unwelcome pain as it hurts to breathe and I feel like I'm struggling with my breathing now. Partly because of the pain and partly because I feel so weak and unwell. My lungs take a long time to heal when they have been ventilated during surgery but I don't know how much of it is my body struggling to cope without the bit of lung that is now dying. The pain should pass, but whether I get all of my lung function back we'll just have to see. 

I feel like I've struggled a lot this time, even though in reality it was much better than my last general anaesthetic surgery and there was really brilliant care in the Intensive Care Unit but somehow I feel a little defeated. I think this was just one surgery too many for me this year. Five in a year is just ridiculous. I've probably spent over 3 months in hospital altogether this year and I'm getting tired of it. How much more bad luck does life want to throw at me? 

I always find the aftermath harder than the surgery itself. Coming out of hospital, although amazing and long awaited, makes me feel insecure and unsafe. It's a huge change and even though it's a good change, it unsettles me. I don't think I can really explain how I feel. I suppose it's normal to want to bury yourself away when things are going wrong and I think that's what I'm feeling. It's hard for others to understand when they can see you visibly improving. It's like your physical health and your mental health go in opposite directions. When you're too ill to think it's all so easy to cope with but the better you feel physically the more your brain realises how awful it all was and starts eating away at you. I am improving. The pain is much better and although everything feels so difficult, I am managing to walk and slowly climb the stairs and wash myself. It's only been a week, of course I don't feel back to myself yet. I'm doing really well, I just have to keep telling myself that. 

I guess you could say I feel a bit down. But I'm cheering myself up with the prospect of Christmas. Keeping busy is the best thing to do I think. I don't usually blog until this horrible feeling down phase has past because I feel under pressure to be as strong as people think I am but I really want to put this week behind me as soon as possible. It's time to cheer up and stick on some Christmas songs and movies. It's the most wonderful time of the year, after all. 

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