Thursday, 21 November 2013

Feeling Sentimental

Today is the 2 year anniversary of my lung haemorrhage. My lung haemorrhage was the point at which things started going wrong for me. You've heard the story. I was a dance student and then I couldn't do anything. It sounds like a Hollywood movie. I don't why I remember these dates when I can barely keep track of my friends' birthdays. I guess my brain is clinging to the moment it all went wrong. And when things go wrong as dramatically as a haemorrhage I guess it's normal to remember them. 

I'm not an expert but I do think traumas tend to be more mentally destructive than they are physically. It was such a horrible experience that it's odd now to look back on it because I know there was a time where I remembered every unpleasant detail and now there are only fragments of memories. It's not like I want to remember the horrible things, and my brain does tend to forget them, but I feel like I must remember it. Firstly because it reminds me how lucky I am to be alive and that's a feeling I want to cherish because it influences every choice I make in my life. A little awareness of your own mortality can be a good thing in very small quantities. I also feel like these memories, although not pleasant, are a part of me, part of who I am and I'd love to find a way of remembering them without having to think about them. I want to avoid that horrible period between tiredness and unconsciousness where your brain decides now is a good moment to think about all the silly things you've done and all the bad things that have happened to you. But I want to keep the memories because they're a big part of my life. I don't want to shut out bad things because they make me who I am and if I forget them then I haven't let them mold me.

I think there are advantages to not blocking out bad memories. It's strange that I remember so little of the operations I had throughout my childhood. Of even the pulmonary embolism I had when I was 16. The problem with memory is it's selective and usually worse at selecting things when you aren't sleeping. Everything was a blur even as I was experiencing it so now all I can see is fog and the things too awful to forget. I think if I could remember more of the relaxing time, the sitting around watching tv, the lovely nurses, it'd feel less like a trauma. 

I'd also like to remember these things because I am a writer and I'm very creative and I think it's the things that have happened to me that had made me like that. So apart from anything else these things make pretty good writing material. I would like to write an autobiography one day too and the fact that I can't remember much is a bit of an issue. 

I wouldn't change a thing about my life and I think my brain is going against me here by letting me forget the things that are important. But I can't complain. It's done a pretty good job at dealing with all the trauma that's been thrown at it over the years. If the only damage it's done is too my memory then that's pretty good going. 

But please brain, don't let me forget how lucky I am to be here. 

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