Thursday, 17 October 2013

Feeling Down

I got really down tonight. I had a plenary class at uni, which usually just involves a writer coming to talk about their work, give us tips about the industry and getting creative and things like that but today we had a graduate come in and talk about her career since leaving uni. She was aiming to be a writer and producer for big feature films but at the moment she was working on some films independently and getting into the industry by working on tv and film sets. She is a runner, which is basically just someone how organises all the backstage or behind the camera things. Now I would absolutely love to have that job. That would be one of my dream jobs. I've wanted to be a backstage theatre manager ever since I did some backstage work at one of the shows at my old dance school. I was only in one dance so I mostly did all the backstage stuff and it was really fun. You get all the rush of being a performer, running around getting everything organised but you just don't ever go on stage. It would be my perfect job, and I reckon I'd be really good at it too as I'm good at organising things. 

But the job involves a lot of running around. If someone isn't on the side of the stage at the right time, if a prop isn't there, you literally have to run around trying to find what you need. Depending on what your role is, you might have to go around all the changing rooms giving people the time they have until they need to be on stage. I don't think you could do it in a wheelchair because most theatres are very old, there are stairs everywhere and the corridors are narrow and usually half blocked with props and racks of costumes. I think holding down any kind of full time job is going to be near impossible. I'm hardly at uni 3 hours a day and I'm thoroughly exhausted. And it's too much to hope the an employer will be flexible about all the time off I'll have to have for hospital appointments and varrious illnesses and catastrophes that my life tends to contain. 

I don't know, maybe there is a way I could volunteer backstage at some kind of theatre because I think I'd enjoy it so much that I wouldn't care if I wasn't getting paid. I just don't like the thought of staying in all day, doing nothing and then wondering why I'm not getting any inspirations for my writing. 

It just got me feeling a bit down about what I can't do and that surprised me because I'm usually really positive. I guess everyone has those down days. Perhaps it was just that I wasn't expecting someone to come in and talk about the kinds of jobs I can't do because I'm doing a writing degree and however ill I am, I can sit in bed and write. I should just be happy that I'm good at writing and there's a good chance that I'll be able to make a career out of it, however small. But is it wrong to want more? 

I'm going to try and do something with my days when I finish university, even if it's just for fun, and maybe I could do some volunteering work at a theatre, or something similar. Because I hate the thought of sitting around all day trying to write. I want to do as much with my life as I possibly can while I'm still well enough to do things. I don't want to loose that drive. Of course I'll carry on writing, writing will be my main goal. But I need to do other things to feed my creativity and my drive. Virginia Woolf calls the mundane, everyday chores of life cotton wool. That's what I don't want. For my life to be full of cotton wool. Because no one wants to read about cotton wool. 

I've said cotton wool to many times now and it's gone weird on me. Cotton Wool. 

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