Saturday, 15 June 2013


“For each ecstatic instant
We must an anguish pay
In keen and quivering ratio
To the ecstasy.

For each beloved hour
Sharp pittances of years,
Bitter contested farthings
And coffers heaped with tears.”

Emily Dickinson, 'Compensation'

I've been feeling a little down the last few days and I'm not entirely sure why. It's made me even more down thinking about how good I felt last week. I think everything is getting on top of me. I've recently been trying out new contraceptives, so my hormones are all over the place, which really doesn't help. I'm worried that this chest pain is just never going to go, or just come and go, for the rest of my life. And I don't want to carry on with morphine if that's the case, because I can't take it forever. I'm a bit annoyed that my doctors aren't coming up with a plan. I understand that they can't wave a magic wand and find out what's causing the pain and they wave it again and come up with a cure. But they don't seem to be taking me seriously. I don't think they understand how painful it is. Just because I'm not rolling on the floor and screaming, doesn't mean it's not seriously hurting me. I mean, come on, I've had the pain for over a month now and I had in for over two months at the beginning of the year, so I've learnt to deal with it. But it still takes over sometimes.

Pain has a really bad effect on the body. I've read up about it quite a lot and I know when it starts interrupting with your sleep is when your body is going to really suffer. I'm starting to find it harder to get to sleep at night. I usually fall asleep to the sound of birdsong but I wake up early afternoon so I'm getting a manageable amount of sleep, it's just a bit of a weird sleep pattern. I live next to a building site at the moment, but thankfully they seem to be having a break because I haven't heard them banging around in the mornings lately. Sleeping way into the afternoon isn't really foolproof because at some point you're going to have to wake up early for something.

I think I'm dealing with the pain okay, though it's stopping me doing quite a lot. I don't think that really helps the old happiness levels either. I hope this feeling down only lasts a short while. It's not usually something I have to deal with because I'm a really positive, happy person. But sometimes it just all gets on top of me.

I really like the poem from Emily Dickinson that I quoted at the beginning of this post. I might be really positive in life but all the novels and poem I read are quite dreary. Perhaps I vent my feelings out by reading sad things and watching sad films, but it always makes me feel better afterwards. My writing tends to be a bit dreary too, but if you don't put your characters in difficult situations, you're going to end up with a pretty boring book. That goes for life too. Things have to go bad sometimes or you wouldn't learn and grow, and you wouldn't appreciate the good things as much.

I've got a load of hospital appointments coming up next week. I'm going back to see my heart and lung doctors. Hopefully I'll get a plan drawn up for how best to attack this chest pain (unfortunately hospitals aren't as well organised as the military). Then on the same day I'm getting my pacemaker checked and I'm going to ask how much battery there is left in it because I think this is the longest I've lasted with the same pacemaker and I'm not sure how long they last these days. I'd like them to change it when I'm on a nice long break from uni and preferably not Christmas so if it's running low I'd rather they do it sooner than mess up my uni work.

I've also got a hearing test the next day. Ah I knew there'd be something I'd forget to say when I first explained all the things that were wrong with me! I had a ear infection when I was young, which burst my ear drum and now I'm almost deaf in one ear. I learnt to lip read quite well when I was young so it doesn't really effect me that much. In any case, I think I've got bigger things on my plate than dodgy hearing. I have a hearing aid for when I have a cold and my hearing gets a bit worse so that needs to be checked and then I get my hearing tested to see if it's changed at all. It hasn't for as long as I can remember but it's good to get checked just in case.

There is literally only one part of my body that works properly or is normal and that's my eyes. I have really good eyesight. I think it's true that when you lose a bit of a sense another sense gets stronger because everyone else in my family wears glasses for reading at least. It's nice to have something that works. Shame it's something that deteriorates with age. I'll have to make sure I enjoy having something about my body that's normal while I can!

So that's it for today. Think this is my longest post! Hope you found this interesting anyway. Comment, follow and stay tuned for more posts.

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